You Better Sit First Before You Read This!

Why? Because thatgaytrainer is actually going to spend this piece talking about exercise! I know, I know, I can hear all the gays already – shut up! No way! OMG! *swoon* *where’s my fan?*

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It may be September but it’s still summer! Whether you want to get that swole “pumped” look before you hit the beach or just feel motivated to workout, this is a well-rounded, indoor/outdoor, no equipment, no gym beginner’s workout routine.

Couple of notes… first, remember your sunblock and water. Second, whether you’re sitting, standing, laying down for any exercise, maintain good posture. Third, when you crunch up, squat up, lunge up, hip up, push up, or row up – breathe out! Fourth, since I can’t be with all of you, YouTube is your BFF on visual how-to’s. Last, do this at your own risk! Unsure? Check with your doc first.


Let’s start with 5 minutes of nice, easy, moderate intensity cardio. Climb some stairs. Jump rope. Run on the sand. Do some jumping jacks. Elevate your heart rate, get the blood circulating, get your respiratory rate up, and warm up your body.

All good? Prime your core next. Let’s do a regular plank; your choice of modified, using hands, or using elbows. If you’ve not done planks before, start with 15-20 seconds. Your form/technique is very important.

Done? Let’s go with oblique crunches next. Lie face up, feet on the ground or elevated, left arm out to the side palm down, and right arm bent with right fingers touching your right ear. Now, imagine some string from your left knee pulling your right elbow towards it and crunch that right shoulder up. Start with 15-30 seconds per side.

After that, switch to side planks, one for each side of your body. Again, these can be modified or using your hand or using your elbow. And again, spend some time perfecting your technique. Start with 10-15 seconds per side.

Set? Some “supermans/womans/people” are next! Lay face down with arms stretched out ahead of you and hands and feet together. Keeping your chin tucked, contract your back muscles, glutes, and hamstrings to raise your arms and torso up simultaneously with your legs. Start with 15-30 seconds’ worth.

Body and core nice and warm? Lower body work is next! How about 3 sets of body weight squats with 8-12 reps per set and 30-45 seconds rest between sets? Keep your head neutral/in-line with your neck and back. Feel your quads and glutes doing the work!

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Now let’s target one leg at a time. 2 sets of reverse lunges with 8-10 reps per set and 30-45 seconds rest between sets. Drop the trailing knee straight down and avoid pushing forward into your leading leg/knee. Yes, YouTube is still your BFF for this.

Next, hip bridges! The power’s in yo booty! Lie face up, knees bent, with your feet as close to your butt as possible. Feel your glutes work (and maybe hamstrings too) as you raise your hips to the sky! If your back hurts, recheck your technique. 4 sets of 8-10 reps per set (because junk in the trunk/a dump truck is good!), 30-45 seconds rest between sets.

Upper body now, let’s crush some pushups! If you’re new to them, find a wall or a table to place your hands, get a good plank going, keep those shoulders from shrugging, and let’s do 3 sets of 6-8 repetitions with 30-45 seconds rest between sets.

And last, rows for a good strong back! Find a 1 gal jug of water (about 8 pounds). Then, using the table or wall from your pushups, lean into it by putting your left hand on it with your left foot forward, hold the jug with your right hand, put your right foot back, engage your core, then row/pull that right elbow up behind you towards your hips. 4 sets of 10-12 repetitions with 30-45 seconds rest between sets.

Congratulations! You’ve done pretty much all 7 functional movements across all 3 cardinal planes of your body! Now stretch each major muscle for about 30 seconds, choose something healthier to eat, rinse, rest, and repeat day after next. You got this!

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